Monthly Archives: April 2011

Miserable Super Heroes of Canada

 “Show me a hero and i’ll write you a tragedy”  
( F. Scott Fitzgerald )
 

 Canada’s very own super hero team Alpha Flight is a sad and horrible example of troubled superhumans facing endless misfortunes. Sure, they have action filled life in multicoloured tights but somehow their personal lifes are always messed up and there’s dog shit in the fortune cookie. Such is life – and it get’s sucher and sucher. Take these poor bastards for example:
 
Guardian
His doomed career starded when his employers, the  Am-Can Petroleum Corporation, betrayed him and wanted to use his life’s work – a superharness that makes you fly and punch holes to brick walls – as a weapon. The suit was  originally intended to be used in some  geological exploration – naturally. His later employer Canadian Government cloned him, stole his memories, and launched him into space. Thanks! Soon after Guardians wife had left him and slept with his team mate, he died when his self made armor exploded on him.

 Sasquatch 

This professor accidentally bathed in the essence of the “realm of the beasts” and turned into a furry, orange hippiemonster with serious mental problems. When he mystically lost his powers he turned back into human form – but as a woman. So Walter Langowsky turned to be Wanda Langowsky and he/she wasn’t very happy about it. 
 
 
 Northstar

Life ain’t easy for the first gay superhero to come out of the closet. He’s a mean spirited loner, wich might be outcome of his childhood: His parents died when he was a baby and his foster parents died when he was six. Northstar left the team since he couldn’t bare to watch his schitzofrenic sister, Aurora, having a romance with other team mate Sasquatch.

   

Shaman
A Tsuu T’ina tribe Indian, witch doctor/top surgeon Michael Twoyoungmen has not just a humiliating name but dark clouds  shadowing him. He failed trying to save his wife from cancer and his daughter abandoned him in hatred. Later Shaman screwed up while saving his daughter, and caused her to get sucked in to a sinister reality, so she was now hating daddy even more. Mr Twoyoungmen was so depressed he couldn’t use his sorcery for a long time. Even the void in his purse had dried.

Snowbird

 Shapeshifter from Resolute Bay in the Northwest Territories transforms to a badger, owl, moose or other hilarious animal of the Northern fauna. Unfortunately her mind tends to turn animal like and his friends have had hard times trying to calm down an angry little grizzly bear. A side effect of her mystic powers is that she cannot go outside Canada’s borders. Well she’s also a member of Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Snowbird was shot dead in Klondike by her team mate Vindicator and then things got complicated: Sasquatch’s spirit moved to her dead body and she revived with Sasquatches mind, who now was a she. Again.
 
Puck
It gets worse: Here’s a cursed dwarf. Yes, dwarf… With a curse. Puck used to be a hansome full size man, an adventurer fighting in Spanish Civil War with Hemingway, but of course evil mystic forces made him a midget and it hurts him like hell everyday. Along the way he has been deformed, aged and brainwashed many times, sending him to the hospital and the grave and back. The pain, the pain! He’s also been doing time for murder, but is still ok as a member of Alpha Flight.
 

So please, give a warm thought for canadian super heroes. And when you think your life is going down the drain, think about Alpha Flight.

 

 

“…sweet Jesus, Canadian superheroes make me wanna eat Ozzy Osbourne and die. What’s wrong with these people? What kind of sick entertainment is this? ”

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